This could've been an angry blog post, you know. Because wouldn't any self-respecting writer be horrified that such a thing as MacMillan Readers exist?
MacMillan Readers, in case you're unaware, are "retellings" of great works of literature. They use "simplified" language. (I'm sorry I'm using so many quotation marks. It's a defense mechanism.) As if a novel or a play were nothing but its plot. This is the equivalent of taking a sumptuous five-course meal, boiling down all its nutritional content into a pill, and expecting us not to care about the difference.
Language has a profound effect on the very way we think. You know where I learned that? A book called 1984 in which the evil powers-that-be rewrite all literature in a new language called "Newspeak," which strives to simplify the English language to the most basic phrases and words. Why? To limit the thoughts of its citizens so they can be more easily controlled. It should be noted that 1984 is conspicuously unavailable as a MacMillan Reader.
But I'm a realist. This is the way the world works. When we feel that we're struggling to meet a certain standard, we simply lower it. What I mean to say is: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Therefore, I am proposing that MacMillan no longer limit themselves to literature. I would like to be at the forefront of this expansion. Our students need us to lower standards in every subject. After all, how else will they learn?
For MacMillan's consideration:
Home of the Victory Shower
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Dear J&J Towing
Author's Note: I posted an abridged version of this letter as a Yelp review for the company in question. See it here.
Dear J&J Towing,
On Saturday, April 16, 2011, you towed my Honda Fit out of the parking lot of an apartment complex on Riverside Drive. It had a very nice sweater in it. It wasn't cashmere but it was nice, and it accentuated my arms. You may think, "How could it possibly have accentuated your arms?" to which I can only reply, "By making them look sexier than they are." I had taken it off because I was going to a crawfish boil, and I didn't want to ruin it because it was a nice sweater and it accentuated my arms.
The crawfish boil itself was fairly fun, though you should know that I'm not usually a very social person. I had just had a Big Red, though, so I was caffeinated and caffeine has always lowered my inhibitions in a way that alcohol never really could. So I was more talkative than usual, which was probably nice for my friends.
I might add that this was my first social outing after having lost my job a few days prior.
Dear J&J Towing,
On Saturday, April 16, 2011, you towed my Honda Fit out of the parking lot of an apartment complex on Riverside Drive. It had a very nice sweater in it. It wasn't cashmere but it was nice, and it accentuated my arms. You may think, "How could it possibly have accentuated your arms?" to which I can only reply, "By making them look sexier than they are." I had taken it off because I was going to a crawfish boil, and I didn't want to ruin it because it was a nice sweater and it accentuated my arms.
The crawfish boil itself was fairly fun, though you should know that I'm not usually a very social person. I had just had a Big Red, though, so I was caffeinated and caffeine has always lowered my inhibitions in a way that alcohol never really could. So I was more talkative than usual, which was probably nice for my friends.
I might add that this was my first social outing after having lost my job a few days prior.
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